My Thailand Adventure

I WROTE THIS WHEN I WAS IN MY 30s, I'M MID-50s NOW.  I READ IT NOW, AND SOME OF MY WRITING STYLE MAKES ME CRINGE A LITTLE!  BUT IT'S ALL TRUE.... ENJOY!! ❤❤

Thailand Adventure

Hi all……………

Well, I’m going to give something a go. It may seem a bit odd, but fuck it, I thought I’d try anyway. A good while ago I pulled of a pretty decent business deal, and ended up with quite a few quid. Not enough to retire on (unfortunately), but enough to bugger off and live abroad for a while, and if that place abroad was somewhere cheap – i.e. Thailand – then ‘a while’ could be three or four years.

So, obviously, at the time I didn’t write a trip report or diary or any kind of record, but I’ve read a lot of the trip reports, and thought I’d have a crack at writing about my time in the LoS, even though it was quite a few years back. Now there is going to be plenty of things I’ve forgotten about, but because I was there for nearly three years, I’m hoping that I can think of enough to get some kind of story written. I appreciate that maybe people might not be so interested, as it’s not written either in real time, or of happenings that were recent (and there are no pictures – sorry about that), but maybe some of you might find it worth a read. We shall see!

Apologies in advance if I get my past/present tenses messed up…I’ll try and keep it consistent. Also, I must warn you, the first part of this read has nothing to do with the bar scene…although I do get to that. I did think maybe I should jump straight to that, but bugger it, I really would rather just go the whole hog and write about all the events leading up to when I started shagging the Thai girls……

PART I

Well, here I am – I’ve got a few quid in the bank, and my work was contract-work, so stopping work was an easy thing to do, I didn’t need to worry about handing in my notice, I just needed to work until the end of the week and then I could just take off! Perfect.

I had been to Thailand before. I spent three months there the previous year with an ex-girlfriend. I had an absolute blast…stayed in Koh Phangan most of the time, but obviously, being with a woman, I didn’t experience the ‘other side’ of Thailand, and to be honest, didn’t really express any desire to, but that was probably because I was in Koh Phangan, which doesn’t have a bar-girl scene, so it wasn’t there for me to see and want.

Anyway, a little side-story if I may. On the very last night (I kid you not), my girlfriend went to bed early to get us up for the taxi in the morning, and I fucked some farang bird on the beach. I hooked up with some friends that we’d been hanging out with, got pissed-up on that fucking lethal Thai whisky that, like most people I’m guessing, sends me loopy-loo, and before I know it I’m banging some fit blond girl on the beach. Thing is, as you know, the sun comes up pretty quickly in Thailand, so the next thing I know we have an audience of Thai guys watching and laughing (we got a round of applause, and no, they weren’t laughing at the size of my winkle (hopefully)….). They were laughing, I’m guessing, because they would have recognised me. Why? Well, my girlfriend was not only black and stunning (she sometimes worked as a model), but she had a shaved head (you know, the Skunk Anasi look). Now, believe it or not, Koh Phangan doesn’t really see to many black girls with shaved heads, and as we’d been on the island a good few weeks, most of the locals about knew I was the guy that was with the black girl with no hair. So I’m getting laughs and some very knowing looks from these Thai guys who were sitting on a wall looking over the beach watching me rump this white, blond bird – quite obviously not my girlfriend. So, I’m fucked right? But, maybe I can get away with it as we’re leaving early the next morning……..pffft, yeah right…..

So, I stagger back to the room, still completely off my fucking trolley, fall into bed and I’m asleep in about half a second. I literally wake up to an empty packet of condoms bouncing off my forehead that my ex had found in my pocket whilst looking for some change. OK, so now what? I could easily have just said “oh, so and so threw them at me as I walked away from the table last night….” or some such bollocks, and the chances are, she would have believed me. But…..me, still being right off my head, just blearily opened my eyes and blurted out “yeah, so what, I fucked some bird on the beach last night…….” Zzzzzzzz, straight back to sleep. I know, I know, what the fuck was I thinking? Thing is, we were on very rocky ground anyway (the trip was meant to be a make-or-break deal), so I just didn’t really give a fuck. Now, let me stress, it’s not something I’m proud of, it was a shitty thing to do, and she didn’t deserve it. But boy oh boy, did she get her own back, and let me tell you how….

Whilst I’m banging away happily with this blond bit of fluff, my money had fallen out of my trousers. I didn’t have a wallet; I had a money-clip holding my cash and cards. So, just picture this fucking scene – I am about to travel half way round the world with zero cash and an ex-girlfriend who knows I’ve just fucked some other bird. Hungry? Tough shit. Here, have a bit of chicken (thrown at me). Thirsty? Here, have a bottle of water, while she gets slowly pissed-up on the plane. The boat journey from Koh Phangan wasn’t so bad, as she could sit at one end of the boat, me at the other. But the train, and especially the plane, she’s sitting right by me. You can just imagine the endless chat I got from her…..”Good fuck was she?…….enjoy fucking her did you?”…..etc. etc. ad infinitum. She getting more and more drunk and more and more bitter as the hours rolled by, me getting more and more suicidal as the hours rolled by. Talk about wanting the ground to open up and swallow me…..what made things worse was one of the main reasons that we had gone away was, that after five years together, we had lost the physical spark from our relationship, so the holiday was supposed to get it back for us. It did, for me…problem was, it wasn’t with her.

But do you know what, and this is the weird thing….the fact we were forced to sit with each other for so many hours travelling home, by the time we got back, she’d got so much of the bitterness out of her system, that things were actually OK, believe it or not. Crazy I know, but I suppose that’s women for you. I’d managed to get her to realise it was just a drunken fuck, meaning absolutely nothing to me. Also, a couple of weeks after we got back, her brother committed suicide, so all of our nonsense was pretty much forgotten. Our relationship did limp on for a few more months, but eventually ended, and we are now just friends. In fact, it’s something we can laugh about now. (Well, I certainly can anyway).

So, here I am, almost a year to the day later, at Heathrow Airport. Passport? Check. Plenty of dough? Check. Single man status? Fucking A!! Not having any idea about the P4P scene, and not really having any intention of getting involved in it, my first stop would be Koh Tao. This is a small island near Koh Panghan/Koh Samui, in which scuba-diving is the order of the day. That’s pretty much all Koh Tao is about – it’s full of diving schools, and for newbie divers, it’s just the perfect place to learn to dive. The good thing was, one of my best friends had been a diving instructor there for over a year, so when I arrived, instead of just being another diving student (there is a real us and them vibe between the instructors and students), I was hanging out with all the instructors, which pretentious as it may sound, was just way much cooler. In fact, I ended up banging my female diving instructor, which was virtually unheard of. The male instructors were always shagging there female students, but the female instructors would just never, and I mean never, fiddle about with their students. But I guess because I was bezzie mates with one the instructors; it put a different slant on things. Of course, it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I had loads of money. It was my charm, good-looks and huge penis, obviously. I actually dumped her after a few weeks, which as you can imagine, meant she lost a lot of face, so that was a bit awkward (for her that is, not me, although we ended up good friends eventually).

So, I rent a nice house, spent about a grand on all the best diving gear, get my Advanced Diving Certificate, and so begins nearly three years of one the best periods of my life. I spent about six months in Koh Tao, scuba diving, smoking opium pipes (wonderful!), shagging lots of (farang) birds, swimming with sharks, and just generally having the most wonderful and relaxing time you can imagine. I had a laptop with me, so I also did bit of web-design for some of the diving schools on the island. Graphic design is what I do, you see, so it was good to keep my hand in. One memory really sticks out. There is a beach in Koh Tao, called, unsurprisingly, Shark Beach, because if you go free-diving there (that’s diving without all the gear, just snorkel, mask and flippers….I got quite good at it eventually) you are more than likely going to see sharks. They look exactly like the ones from Jaws, just a lot smaller in scale, and, obviously, they don’t eat people. Anyway, I’m happily diving away, and I look above me and three sharks cruise past….I then look beneath me and see four more swim past me. It’s a pretty safe bet to say my heart stopped for a moment, but it was a wonderful experience, even if I did nearly shit my swimming trunks.

One thing I will add, and that is how I managed to get through six months without doing myself an injury whilst riding a moped pissed out of my tiny mind, up and down dodgy dirt tracks, I will never know. Someone must have been looking down on me, because in the six months there I saw people getting fucked-up from bike accidents on almost a daily basis. I had a few near-misses and scrapes, but nothing to write home about. Lucky, for sure!

Now, I’m guessing by now you’re looking at the computer screen thinking, yeah, all very interesting mate, but what about the Thai pussy?! Enough of your scuba-diving, we wanna hear about your muff-diving. OK, OK, stick with me, we’ll get there, honestly. I’d like to bore you with this pre-amble, because there is a point to it. You see, starting off in Koh Tao, which has virtually zero Thai girls (well, available to farang, anyway), plus the fact I was humping plenty of farang girls, I had no desire and no opportunity to try out the P4P scene. Anyway, after six months, I decided I fancied a change, so I get on a boat and head off to Koh Samui…….

PART II to follow, in which I buy a bar, nearly get killed by a nutty gangster, but way more importantly…….shag my first Thai girl.

(Although if this report isn’t working, be honest with me and I’ll stop now!! I’m thick skinned, so be truthful….!)

PART II

So, I’ve got my Advanced Scuba Diving Certificate, had a great six months in Koh Tao, but, I still haven’t bonked a bird from Bangkok – or any Thai girl for that matter (OK, OK, so I said that just because it rhymes…. ;) ). Next stop? Koh Samui…….

Now, the first thing that happens in Samui is I have a bit of an accident. You know how your ball-sack gets long and dangly in the heat (for those interested, the reason that this happens and in the cold it shrinks is to keep your sperm at the same temperature – that’s a fact that is, I Googled it), well my balls were dangling down like good ‘uns, and as I went to sit on my moped, they swung under my ass, and I….sat on them. Pain?PAIN??!! My dear readers, I thought I was going to fucking faint – in fact, I nearly did. I end up with a visit to Samui General, if for no other reason, than to pay to get some morphine in me for the pain. I had to laugh tho, the nurse came in with some silly little pills to take, and I was like “No, no ,no…..I want the real deal, I don’t care how much I pay, but get me a nice hit of morphine – now!” After consulting with the doctor for about half a second, she duly obliged, and appropriate measures were taken. I ended up staying in the hospital for a couple of days. Cost me a good few quid, but it was worth it to take the pain away. Lesson to be learnt here – when getting on a bike, make sure one’s knackers don’t end being sat on….it’s not nice. Really, really not nice.

OK, so now I’m in Samui, where there is much more Thai fanny around, but the truth is this….I just wasn’t interested. I’m going to be honest with you here. I (stupidly) got on my high horse, with that really wanky attitude of “No, I’m good looking and young enough to not have to pay for it….” or some such toss-like thinking. I really did. Now, looking back, I realise how tragic that was – and what a fucking waste of time, as well. Instead of banging gorgeous Thai birds, I walked around with my head up my ass thinking I was too good for that behaviour – what a knob-end. This had to end, and, finally, it did.

I meet a bunch of English blokes, all good laughs, all up for it. We go out in Chawang (the main part of Koh Samui where most of the bars and clubs are) and end up at a bar-complex full of lovely Thai girls. Every one of these lads gets himself a girl, although I don’t (still being a numpty) and off we go. Now, we’re all sitting in this other bar on Soi Green Mango. I’m looking over at my new mates, all of them grinning like cats with cream, all of them with a gorgeous bit of Thai fanny hanging off them, and suddenly it clicks. What the fuck is up with me? The girls are having a great time. The blokes are having a great time. There’s nothing sleazy, smiles all round, and I’m sitting there like a fucking total loser with my thumb up my ass. Right, that’s it….enough is enough. So, quietly sneaking off to one of the bars we’d been to earlier, I pick a pretty little thing, pay my first ever bar fine, and take her back to the bar where my new-found friends were, and you know what? When I got back to the table, all of them, including the girls, gave me a fucking round of applause! I had landed, arrived, crossed the line, sorted it – I had paid for a hooker to shag me!! And you know what, even though my first girl wasn’t a particularly great ride (she was quite new to it as well), I had a really fun few days with her, and you could almost hear the penny dropping in my silly little head. This was what it was all about!! Fucking RIGHT ON BROTHERS!!!! And about time too, eh?

So now the fun really starts. Of course, being the newbie I am, within a month I’ve somehow managed to let one start living me (I had rented a small house). Not really what I wanted, and did she come with a bunch of drama when I got rid of her. She went away for a couple of days and when she got back I gently told her that the living-together scenario had to stop. In fact, I didn’t really want to see her at all. A few tears, and off she toddles – game over, so methinks. Oh no. I’m sitting in a bar in Lamai (another part of Samui) with a friend who I had met in Koh Tao (his “missus” i.e. ladyboy owned the bar) and the girl I’d just dumped walks past. Anyhow, she indicates for me to come outside just to chat. OK, I have no problem with that, so I go outside and she indicates to walk a few yards up the road. So I do. Anyhow, we stop to chat and what does she do? Pulls a fucking great knife out of her bag and holds it up to her neck, threating to slit her throat there and then. I mean, I knew I was a top-shag, but seriously……..Now, dear friends, at the time I didn’t realise that Thai woman threaten to commit suicide at the drop of a hat. Chipped a fingernail? Out comes the razor blades….But me being green to the scene don’t know this, so I almost shit myself and freak right out. I’m convinced she’s going slash her throat right in front of me…and probably after sticking this great kitchen knife into my head. Bloodbath alert!!! But thankfully, I calm the situation down and she fucks off. I go back into my friends bar, shaking like a leaf, so I was, and order a very large Jack Daniels (thank you Jack), and explain to my friend what has just occurred. His reaction? He laughs his fucking ass off. Er, mate, some Thai bird has just threatened to cut her own head off, and you’re, like, laughing? He then goes onto wise me up to the antics of some Thai birds. I’m glad I learnt about that one early, it wasn’t the first and it wouldn’t be the last time I had a Thai girl threaten suicide, but the next time I was prepared – I’ll come to that later.

(to be continued………………)

PART III

So, I’ve had my first TGF threaten to slit her own throat, as you do, and I’m plotted up in a nice, small, house in Koh Samui. I went out and bought myself a bike, a proper one, with gears and everything. I can’t remember what they are called, but they are like a cross between a motorbike and a scooter. I do remember it was a Honda……

What to do? I know – l’ll buy a bar. Now, right from the off, I knew I didn’t want a girlie bar. I’d seen enough to make me realise that a/ they’re too much like hard work, trying to keep the girls in order and b/ I reckoned on making more money from a cocktail-type bar. The sort that farang couples/men with their Thai GF could come to before they went off for the night. As luck would have it, I found a tiny little bar for sale that fit this description exactly. Had a banging sound system, Sky TV for the football and a restaurant upstairs – plus it was on the main Chawang high street. Not quite in the centre of Chawang, a bit further up, but right bang in the middle where all the nice big posh hotels were.

Now I’m not going to lie to you, owning a bar in Thailand is one of the coolest things you can do….you are Master of the Universe, Mr.Celebrity (in your own head, anyways), all rolled into one. You also become a raging alcoholic. Now, and this is true, the nightly income from the bar was directly proportional to how much I drank. Let me explain. The bar was very small and very intimate – my being behind the counter drinking with the customers was a big part of the business. (I should add I had a licence-type thingy so I could work behind the bar myself). The bar gets busy, I get right on it with the customers, the drinks are flowing, I’m getting pissed, but the money is flowing in. Then , the nights I would decide to have a quiet one and not drink, the takings would be down. People would pop in, have a couple of drinks, then bugger off. Now this might sound like fun, but trust me, after a few months of it, I would wake up some mornings to find my liver sneaking out the back door for a better, and certainly cleaner, life. Now I’m no health fanatic, but I’m no great drinker either. Also, at the time, the government bought in the 2am rule, and man, did those boys in their little tight brown uniforms get on my case. I did have a couple of young girls working for me, and in fact one night, the police turned up one night at about 2.02am, the music still blaring, and arrested me. But, and bless their little hearts, the girls took it upon themselves to take the rap and spend the night in the cells instead of me. The idea being it would be cheaper and easier if they took responsibility, which is exactly how it turned out. They had a night in the cells, paid off a few baht, and all was back to normal the next day. I can’t quite remember exactly how we engineered that scenario, but there you go, we did. Anyway, the upshot of it was after a few months I got rid of it…sold it for pretty much what I paid for it, and made decent money, so it was well worth it. I really did have a serious laugh doing it, but my oh my, me poor, shrivelled liver was glad I packed it in.

I also ended up with another girl plotted up in my house, but not before I had shagged my way through most of Koh Samui. By now, of course, I’ve realised that Thai woman are seriously hot, and seriously up for it. The faces I can remember, but the names? Pah! You must be kidding. It did get a bit silly at one stage – you know what they’re like…they don’t give a fuck about turning up at your door at 3 in the morning. The amount of times I already had a bird with me when another one would turn up, well, let’s just say - a lot. How I never ended up with my throat cut I’ll never know, but, as you will see, things did take a rather nasty turn…………

Now, I don’t know who reads these forums, so I need to be very careful here. In fact, let me go away and have a think how I’m going to do this……

(to be continued)………………….

THE NEXT BIT................

Fuck it, I’ll just say what happened.  If anyone who was involved is reading this, then you’ll see how it was all so unnecessary.  I’m actually making it a bigger deal than it was, but at the time it had me pretty worried.

So, I’m there plotted up in Koh Samui, I’ve just got rid of my bar to save my liver, and also just got rid of another Thai bird that had also been plotted up in my gaff.  You have to be right careful with these Thai Ladies, before you know it they’ve moved in.  Toothbrush appears, then some shampoo and a few clothes…ah, you know the story.

OK, I’m sitting at home chilling, fucking about on the Playstation when my mobile rings.  It’s this guy I know Paul (obviously all names changed and some tiny facts for obvious reasons).  Actually a nice bloke, as it goes.  He’s now telling me about some chap he’s sitting with called Steve who wants to talk.  So I’m OK, fine, why not, put him on.  So on comes this Steve, asking me about a girl called Lek.  Lek?  Who the fuck is Lek, I’m thinking to myself.  On he goes, and then I remember, ah, sure, Lek.  I knew her from about a year ago.  She was actually mates of a Thai friend of mine who’s English missus owned a business in Samui.  I’d met her through him whilst out drinking a couple of times.  I vaguely remembered having sat with her all night once, drinking and chatting.  She’d told me about a boyfriend, and  the most that happened was, I think, I might have put my hand on her knee at some point.  Seriously, that was it.  I may have invited her over to Koh Tao with some friends one weekend, but it never transpired.  Now, let me explain my very clear, and simple, feelings about fucking other blokes birds in Thailand (or anywhere, for that matter, but Thailand has its own rules).  Just…don’t …do it.  I mean, come on, there is so much fanny in LoS, why in Gods name would you want to risk any bother from that sort of behaviour.  I mean, she may be super-hot, but there’s another super-hot chick just around the corner.  She may be rich, oh hold on, scrub that one.  Body of a goddess?  Again, just round the corner.  All of the above?  Again…you get the picture.  The point is I just don’t fiddle with the fanny of other blokes, there really is no need.  So this Steve is in my earhole waffling on about he reckons I’ve been messing about with his missus a fucking year ago.  So I’m explaining to him, look mate, you’ve got it wrong, I live with my own Thai girl (I’d literally only got rid of her the night before), and I told him that I just don’t do that.  But of course, I can say what I like, but I don’t know what she has said to him, do I?  I’m not even thinking that, though, I just think he’s got it wrong and wants to hear me say it. 

Anyway, he asks me to go round to and see him at my mates house, Paul, there and then.  Well, sorry buddy, but no.  It was quite late, I’m plotted up for the evening with a nice dooby, relaxed and going to bed shortly.  He carries on and on, and I keep saying, no, it will have to wait, and then he says just the right thing to get me there….he says if I was man enough I’d go round and tell him face-to-face.  Now I know how wank this sounds, and writing it now I feel stupid even falling for it, but at the time, he said it just the right way with just the right words that got my back up.  It was like, well, if you’re telling the truth you’d be man enough to come and tell me to my face, so I’m “fuck this, yeah, I’ve got nothing to hide”…and he was only minutes away on the bike.  So, what the hell?  I should stress that all through this he’s totally calm, real friendly, not threatening, just playing that line of “you know how it is mate, I just want to hear you tell me yourself then I can forget it and move on…”  Does that make sense?

So, on the bike I jump, and off I go and arrive at my mates house.  As a side note, I should have realised something was up…the house was directly opposite a hospital, but I didn’t pay that any attention.  Why would you?  Or was I being a dumb-ass, LOL……..?  I get to the house, and it’s like a normal, western-style house, with a lounge and large, sliding glass doors leading onto the road.  I’ve parked up, gone in, and introductions are made, we shake hands and all that shite, he even gets me a beer.  So, we’re sitting there, and I’m basically telling him what I told him on the phone.  He’s got nothing to worry about, nothing happened, if I remember correctly she told me that she was bang in love with him (might have made that bit up), etc etc.  Now, as the conversation goes on, I can start to feel the atmosphere getting a bit more tense.  The guy just doesn’t seem to be getting it, he really is convinced something happened.  The more we chat, the more I realise that the story he’s got in his head isn’t that I actually fucked her, more I was trying  to get into her knickers, despite her having a boyfriend.  So I’m now beginning to think, what the fuck has this bird told him?  Also, I notice he’s sitting there with quite a thick jacket on – in Thailand, in that heat?  And thank fuck that I did start to piece something was up, just in time, because before I know it the guy has pulled out a fucking great meat-cleaver and tried to stick it into my head.  But reader, I am quick.  Always have been.  Now don’t ask me how I managed this, but somehow I’ve sprang to my feet, performed some kind of backward-sideward-fuckonlyknowsward roll over the back of the couch and out of those French windows quick.  And I mean quick.  I’ve got out onto the pavement and I’m yelling at this bloke all sorts of things, as you can imagine.  My main grievance was this his idea of a man-to-man, calm chat?  I’d hate to see him when he’s pissed off.  He’s yelling at me about all this shit she’s been saying to him (ah, you see?) and this goes on for what seems like forever until a car screeches up the road and his mate and the bird in question jump out.  I should mention that somehow he’d managed to crack me one in the head with his fist as I was performing my Olympic-Gold gymnastics over the couch, so he did give me a nice shiner.  Thankfully, this girl of his manages to calm him down, but I’m now getting more angry, especially when he informs me that’s why he wanted to meet opposite a hospital – do me with a meat-cleaver but, kind soul that he is, I wouldn’t have far to travel.  Such consideration.

Anyway, I fuck off.

Without going into too much detail, but I had quite a few contacts on the island, and I can say this…the guy was very well connected with the island police, and from my dealings with them after owning a bar, I knew that I could be in serious trouble.  I also knew  that if I ended up in the jungle with a bullet in my head, there ain’t gonna be no one doing a CSI deal on my ass if he’s connected.  The guys last words to me were that he knew where I lived and to get off the island.  As it was, by happy coincidence, I was leaving the island the following month anyway to go live in Pattaya, so let’s just say I brought that idea forward by…a month.  I was gone the next day.  I have to give a quick shout to my friend on the island, who really came through for me.  He emptied out my house, got everything packed up, and posted it all out to Pattaya for me, so thanks “John”.

As I final note on this sorry episode, I will say this.  Now, I’m no pussy, if push comes to shove I can look after myself, but at the same time, I know my limits.  I’m happy to say I just do not have that level of violence in me to go around sticking meat-cleavers in peoples heads, and when it does happen to you, boy, does it bring things into sharp focus.  I learnt a few very important lessons that night…just watch your step out there, you just don’t know who you could be dealing with.  You can find yourself in situations from nothing.  And if a man calls you on the phone for a little chat, tell him to fuck off.